Before attempting to survive the 21st century rat race, please read through the following terms and conditions. By choosing to live, you agree to abide by the following.
With the world constantly selling "stuff" that promises to make life simpler, easier and faster, while allowing us to be consumers at any given point of our day. The average American household carries $137,063 in debt, according to the Federal Reserve's latest numbers.
Does anyone step back and think.
...What am I living for? What is the point?
I certainly had.
Working a job with 10-15 hours of overtime each week, and going to school, left a total of 7 hours at home most days. Including any hours spent asleep.
The days for ‘me’ were filled with homework, errands, trying to uphold friendships and relationships, taking care of bills, and anything I couldn't take care of during the week. I couldn't nor wouldn't complain about the past. I chose to accept that chaotic life in order to have a ‘better’ one. Things could have always been worse. The problem, however, is when ‘better’ becomes confused with the word more. Spending more in order to survive just wasn't making sense to me.
Constantly feeling buried, sick and behind in life, left me questioning if it was worth it.
Living with that thought for 3 years is terrifying.
Even more so when that thought becomes comfortable.
From a family members perspective. I had everything on paper. A job, a car, could pay my bills on time, was going to school so I could have it all. The only reason to have those thoughts must be because of my weight….I had always been overweight. But at that point I was over 320 lbs. I had thrown up blood while at work, I was exhausted, tired, and unhappy. I had pushed away friendships, relationships, and family. I was my own worst enemy. And my only solution.
Do you ever feel so uncomfortable in your own skin, that you could scream?
That being yourself simply isn't good enough?
But...what choice is there except to keep moving forward, hoping at some point life gets better.
It has too? Right? What was my other option?
Well.. I thought that until I reached my breaking point and sought help. Being able to work beside a therapist and psychiatrist allowed me to work through and overcome the causes/triggers and patterns that lead to a decline. Seeing this now, seems like the easy part. Ya know. After the first few months of side effects; included but not limited to insomnia, hot sweats, and migraines. But I didn't care, these side effects were only temporary, and every day I felt a little stronger. Removing the triggers and noticing patterns allowed symptoms of depression and anxiety to subside, and once I began to see hope I knew I never wanted to feel like I had in the past, ever again.
When I quit my full time office job in order to pursue my passion for photography. I thought. What would be better than to fill my days full of doing what I love. I will be able to support myself (alongside loans, mortgages and debts) and finally be able to work towards being my best self.
I buried myself in work, and before I knew it was falling into past routines. Even though I was doing something I loved, I started to see the pattern that, eventually, would lead to a decline.
But who was I working for? Certainly not a liver spotted gremlin with a power trip anymore, or some higher up, with deep pockets. I was working for me. And all of these extra material items that really, have no meaning
Eventually. I would end up feeling behind, buried and miserable again. And then... for how long?
So. I had to ask that daunting question again. What was I doing this for?
At this point, I won't lie, I had been feeling pretty dang great. However, I wasn't out of the woods yet. I needed to figure out how to overcome this unbalanced pattern between working and taking care of myself. I needed to find me and what made me happy, what allows me to function at my best.
What made me depressed and what I could do about it, because, I felt there was no use complaining about it, if I wasn't willing to do something about it.
I started by simply taking care of myself. Making myself happy, and seeing how long I could make it last. Hours, turned into days, and then to weeks. Discovering what motivated me, what pushed me, and what made me feel most productive. Noticing how my body felt with different foods, which caused anxiety to worsen, which didn't. As anxiety subsided, and depression became almost non existent, I was able to pick out the patterns that made me feel like I could accomplish anything.
Over time, it became incredibly evident that I needed to be able to provide for myself; living within my means, have an outlet for creativity, be physically active and outdoors, while living with and improving the earth.. and most importantly, myself. I am just starting to see that there are millions of ways to live on this earth. Each one is no better or worse than the other. It is all about finding what allows you to thrive, and be your best self.
I needed a ‘simple’ and balanced life. So. I made another leap as most of you know, and moved to a community homestead. It's been quite a wild ride thus far, and I'm excited to show you all what it is I am doing. I have been settling in, busy doing some pretty rad things, as well as photographing quite a few fantastic people these past few months. My bff kindly let me know that it would be an understatement that I have slipped on the whole social media, blogging thing. I can’t argue.
However, I am simply living life. I think it’s okay to do things without letting everyone know. Sometimes those moments are just meant for you. However, if you want a more “behind the scenes” experience. Follow me on instagram @lordyhoardy to see some of the cool things we do around here on the homestead.
Check back next week for the new blog on where it is that I am living, learning, and enjoying every minute of ‘it’.
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